read this if you want to regulate

You’re likely to hear the terms "regulation" and "co-regulation" frequently in therapy these days, especially with the nervous system becoming a major focus in the self-help arena—and I’m here for it.

In my approach as a therapist, I draw from Somatic Therapy, rooted in the Greek word soma, meaning "of the body." This method highlights the body’s role in processing emotions, accessing sensations and movements that often go beyond words. By focusing on physical awareness, you can better understand your nervous system's role in emotional regulation and co-regulation within relationships. Using a body-based approach offers a more integrated path to healing, helping you connect to yourself and others in a deeper, more meaningful way.

My quick and messy definition of the nervous system is best explained through metaphor:

Think of a computer and its operating system, now think of the brain as the motherboard. Stay with me here.

If the brain is the motherboard, the nervous system is like the network of wires and connections linking everything together. Just as the motherboard sends signals to different parts of a computer, the nervous system transmits messages throughout the body, coordinating responses and keeping communication flowing between the brain and various organs and muscles. They work together to keep everything running smoothly.

Regulation is like your system running properly, while disregulation is akin to the system crashing.

You’ve probably heard of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, right? Those states refer to the sympathetic nervous system—the part that kicks into gear (sometimes without us even realizing it) to help us avoid danger. Now, think of humans like computers: we each respond to perceived danger differently, thanks to the programming we’ve received (nurture). But we also have our factory settings (nature) to fall back on. I believe it’s always a mix of both that shapes how we react.

We start with getting curious and exploring your relationship to your nervous system. Do you feel drained, depressed, low energy, or completely stressed out and anxious? Sometimes, using psycho-education to explain what’s happening in your computer can feel like a relief—because the truth is, it’s not your fault. Your operating system might just need an update.

When you're relaxed, your parasympathetic nervous system is quietly at work, like a computer screen in sleep mode. Your breath, digestion, and other passive processes run smoothly in the background. But sometimes, everything gets triggered at once, and your body "wakes up" abruptly, starting to glitch. In these moments, grounding exercises, deep breathing, and talking about how you feel can help restore balance. You're wired to find the fastest route to the escape button, but sometimes, those built-in responses malfunction, overwhelming the system.

When dealing with complex or shock trauma, I often suggest slowing our sessions way down. We may need to uninstall outdated systems before we can upgrade, and that process takes time. Somatic Therapy also takes time. Once or twice a week, we sit together, patiently waiting for your system to restart. It’s difficult to stay patient during the reboot. We want to keep checking the upload, “are we there yet”? Unfortunately, our desire to bypass the overhaul doesn’t work. It takes as long as it takes.

Okay, maybe this is a stretch, but let’s assume your new OS has a generative AI function. For the upgrade to work properly, it needs to be used regularly, this requires regular practice and use. Over time, the computer learns and adapts, based on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, building a more stable and resilient system.

So how does one upgrade their OS and download a new generative AI program? Somatic Therapy.

Instead of deleting the previous system, we spend some time getting curious about the program’s developer. This is where we explore the nature and nurture of your downloads. We talk about family history, what your early childhood environment was like, who the major characters in your story are, and the coping mechanisms that were installed to get you through tough times.

Often, there are no words for the feelings that emerge during this exploration. This is our opportunity to glean information from your body. We take our time and pay attention to body sensations, scanning for moments of regulation and attempting to capture what may be causing any disregulation. Sometimes it takes 45 minutes, with 5 minutes left of session. Sometimes it takes…..years. With the right tools, we are able to move forward in our regular lives, while simultaneously re-experiencing and repairing our early life experiences. The only way out is through. Unfortunately you can’t go to the genius bar and have someone do it for you. Luckily, in this imaginal metaphor, with the right therapist, you are able to remove some of the old toxic glitchiness, while the window (or app) of your regular life is concurrently functioning.

One of the ways you are able to move through the world without your inner computer crashing is learning to regulate your nervous system on your own. I’ll drop the metaphor for a sec, and just speak to you straight. Self-regulation is a state, not a trait. You are not a regulated person 24/7. You are a dynamic human under the influence of other people places and things all the time. You are impacted by conscious and unconscious information, verbal and non-verbal communication constantly. Working somatically helps build awareness of when these state shifts happen, and how to choose your reactions to them.

Some of the quick interventions that work for me when suddenly disregulated are drawn from Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing, and Pat Ogdon’s Sensorimotor Therapy. The objective of SE and Sensorimotor skills are to acquaint you with your nervous system, and equip you with ways to anticipate, tolerate, and ride the physical and emotional waves of distress.

My go to “skills” are:

Movement, including dancing, jumping, and throwing my body around in a safe location.

Singing and Humming, for me, the vibration in my throat and body recalibrate me when I am feeling stuck. (There’s research on this!)

Deep Breathing, which for me was very difficult at first. I did not like the feeling of being in my body for many years. Taking a deep breath, doing box breathing, belly breathing, and just plain old paying attention to my breath took some getting used to- the more I was able to stay with it, I began to genuinely like my body and appreciate its functions.

Attunement, for when I am feeling like drifting off into a dissociative state. Just like it sounds, I tune in, bringing my attention to my 5 senses. Noticing my environment, giving my brain a break from spinning.

I hope this was helpful. You might want to follow the computer analogy into my post for couples - which one of you is the mac and which one of you is the pc?