read this if you are looking for the tools

“I just need some tools.”

This is one of the first things clients mention when we meet.

After learning some of the initial reasons you are pursuing therapy, I am better able to assess whether you are asking me the question, “Can you teach me some tools?” or if you are making a statement: “If I had tools, I wouldn’t need therapy.”

Let’s talk about it:

The tools are infinite. Different tools work for different people. This is why you see so many “modalities” or “orientations” listed on your prospective therapist’s website.

My initial response to the tools question is, “You already have the tools.” Of course, this could be especially frustrating to hear. I mean, you are coming to therapy to “get” support; where is the support in that?

Here are the tools you already have:

• Your Breath (sigh… eye roll)

• Journaling (yeah, yeah, I already do that)

• Avoidance (an old favorite)

• Tantrums (losing your shit)

• Distraction (what’s in the fridge?)

• YouTube Guided Meditation (boring…)

See? You already have the tools. So why isn’t it working?

In his book The Tools, Phil Stutz explains the difference between an attitude adjustment and a tool:

“…The point is that a tool—unlike an attitude adjustment—requires you to do something. Not only does it take work, but it’s work you have to do over and over again, every time you get frustrated. A new attitude means nothing unless followed by a change in behavior. The surest way to change behavior is with a tool.”

I would highly recommend watching Stutz—a documentary streaming on Netflix. Unfortunately, it mostly follows Jonah Hill’s personal growth experience in therapy with Phil Stutz, which is not really the highlight, at least for me. What moved me was the relationship between therapist and client, and their agreement that, existentially speaking, we have to create the tool together, finally bringing relief to the presenting problem. It’s the process, not the destination, as they say.

There are myriad books, worksheets, classes, and practices written, processed, and sold as tools to assist you in your emotional trek. Luckily, I’m a generalist and know a little bit about a lot of them. We can find the approach that resonates most with you and modify the pre-prescribed tools to see if they fit. Most of them will be familiar, some will be impossible, and a few will be a good start.

What even is a tool?

A simple definition of a tool is any instrument or simple piece of equipment that you hold in your hands and use to do a particular kind of work. So, obviously, we are using "tool" as a metaphor. If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. Hence, the need for more tools.

Your built-in tools, like your breath, body, and brain, are accessible, but not easily. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, or whatever word works best for you when describing your willingness to face being uncomfortable. I know, I know—you already breathe. You already know that exercising your physical body increases endorphins. You already do that stuff. But do you do it mindfully? Do you do it with self-compassion and kindness? Or do you dredge up willpower to “feel better”? If you’re anything like me, you’ve used these tools with a negative or defeated attitude in the past. You had an agenda (to feel better already), and if you missed a day, you gave up. I’m offering a reframe here.

What if you had a conversation with yourself? What if you internally visualized a table of all the various parts of you seated, ready for a conference, and you sitting at the head? Check out who is sitting there with you: sadness? shame? anger? fatigue? your petulant teenage self? the little kid who felt rejected? the part of you that “used to be happy”? Try to feel into the distance you are from each of the parts sitting in their respective chairs. Can you get a good look at them? Can you tell you are separate from them, just for this moment?

Now take a moment and bring your attention to each individual part by moving your inner eye around the table. As an experiment, try finding some appreciation for them, one at a time. “Thank you, sadness. Thank you, anger. I see you, kid.” When you are done going around the table, come back to yourself and feel into the distance between you and them.

This is one of the tools I use in sessions with clients who have an active visual imagination. Together, we will acquaint ourselves with each of the individual parts that contribute to the whole of who you are.

What part of this practice is the tool? Good question!

In Internal Family Systems Therapy, the tool is The Self, which is the essence of yourself that contains compassion and curiosity.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the tool is the distance; they call it defusion.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the tool is your prefrontal cortex; they call it the triune brain (more on this another time).

In Psychoanalytic Therapy, the tool is the act of bringing the unconscious parts of yourself into your consciousness.

In Existential Psychotherapy, the tool is creating the purpose and meaning of these parts.

You see where I am going with this?

The tools are relative. You’ve got the accoutrement. Therapy is where you practice using them.

The cool thing about tools is that you can borrow them if you cannot, for the life of you, find them on your own.

You can even borrow mine! I’ve got some to share! You don’t even have to believe they work!

In another post I will expound on Regulation and Co-regulation, which will show you HOW I lend out my tools.

Come with me, I’ll explain…