read this if your partner lacks curiosity
“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn't be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort.” -Brene Brown
I often bump up against this discrepancy in my couple’s work (and I hear it from individuals too).
So, I asked Chat GPT the question I am asked by clients very frequently.
Why does my partner lack curiosity? Why doesn’t he ask me anything about my life?
The AI response was pretty thorough, and similar to what I would discuss with clients.
I think it did a pretty good job in answering, so I thought I’d share.
Also….Am I out of a job??
My question was “Why doesn’t my boyfriend ask me more questions about my life?”
There could be several reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t ask you more questions, and it’s not necessarily a sign that he’s uninterested. Some possibilities:
He assumes he already knows you well – Some people don’t feel the need to ask questions if they believe they understand their partner’s thoughts, feelings, or routines.
He’s not naturally inquisitive – Some people just aren’t wired to ask a lot of questions, especially if they don’t see that as an important way to connect.
He expresses interest differently – Instead of asking, he might show care through actions, physical affection, or shared experiences.
He’s unaware it bothers you – If he doesn’t realize that you want to be asked more, he might not see it as an issue.
He might not feel emotionally safe – If he’s had past experiences where curiosity led to conflict or criticism, he may avoid asking deeper questions.
He doesn’t know what to ask – Some people worry about asking the “wrong” question or assume their partner will naturally share what’s important.
If it bothers you, you might try sharing that asking questions helps you feel loved and seen. You could also model curiosity—ask him things and see if it sparks a shift. Do you think any of these might resonate with him?
To this, I responded “I don’t know, but when I confront him, he says he will try harder, but then doesn’t. Is it possible for him to learn to be curious?”
Yes, curiosity can be learned, but only if the person is genuinely motivated to change. It sounds like your boyfriend acknowledges the issue and says he’ll try, but then doesn’t follow through. That could mean:
He doesn’t fully understand how to be more curious – Some people need direct guidance, like examples of good questions or knowing that “Tell me more” is a simple way to keep a conversation going.
He doesn’t see the deeper importance – If he views your request as just a preference rather than something that makes you feel emotionally connected, he might not prioritize it.
It doesn’t come naturally to him – If he grew up in an environment where curiosity wasn’t modeled or valued, asking questions might feel unnatural or even intrusive to him.
He might be passive in relationships – Some people are more passive in how they engage and might struggle with actively initiating deeper conversations.
You can help by:
Letting him know specific questions that make you feel connected.
Gently reinforcing moments when he does ask.
Framing it as an adventure—“I love feeling known by you.”
Asking if there’s something blocking him, like discomfort or fear of saying the wrong thing.
If he’s saying he’ll try but doesn’t, it might not be a priority for him, or he may be agreeing just to avoid conflict. Does he show curiosity in other ways, like noticing details about you or remembering things you’ve shared?
To which I responded “No, could it have something to do with how he was raised?”
Absolutely. Upbringing plays a huge role in how people engage in conversation, express interest, and show connection. If your boyfriend grew up in a family where:
Curiosity wasn’t encouraged – Maybe his family didn’t ask deep or personal questions, so he never learned that it’s an important way to connect.
He was taught to prioritize facts over feelings – Some families emphasize practical conversations rather than emotional ones, making deeper inquiry feel foreign or unnecessary.
He was expected to answer questions rather than ask them – If his role in childhood was to respond rather than initiate, he might not even realize he’s missing something.
Expressing curiosity felt unsafe – If asking questions led to criticism, dismissal, or discomfort in his family, he may have learned to avoid it altogether.
This doesn’t mean he can’t learn, but if this is deeply ingrained, it will take intentional effort on his part. If he sees the value in changing and is willing to work on it, he can absolutely improve. The key is whether he truly wants to shift this or if he’s just saying he will. Does he acknowledge that this is hard for him?
And my response, “What if he is not interested in becoming more curious?”
If he doesn’t follow through, the question becomes: Can you feel deeply known, loved, and fulfilled in a relationship where your partner isn’t naturally curious about you?
Some people can accept this if their partner expresses love in other meaningful ways—through actions, reliability, or shared experiences. But if curiosity is a core need for you (which is valid!), his lack of it might create a slow erosion of connection over time.
If you stay, you might need to:
Adjust expectations—Accept that his love may show up differently and stop waiting for him to change.
Seek curiosity elsewhere—Deep conversations might happen more with friends, mentors, or even journaling.
Be direct—Instead of waiting for questions, volunteer what you wish he’d ask about. (“I really want to share something from today—can I tell you about it?”)
But if his lack of curiosity makes you feel unseen, unimportant, or emotionally lonely, it may not be sustainable long-term. A partner doesn’t have to be naturally inquisitive, but they do have to care about what makes you feel loved. If he knows this matters to you and still doesn’t make an effort, that says something about his level of emotional investment.
Then I hit the FREE PLAN LIMIT, so I didn’t get to ask how I could approach a conversation about this. I have an idea or two…
Emily’s two cents:
Intellectually understanding your partner is only part of the process.
I might inquire more about grieving the exact relationship they wished to have, or process what changing expectations might feel like.
I would bring attention to the emotions that come up facing this lack of resolution. I’d spend some time addressing the values, desires, and compromises both partners started with when the relationship started, and explore the couple’s individual and mutual wishes moving forward.
There isn’t always a clear path to take in relationships. I try to emphasize that all decisions will have costs and benefits. my work is to accompany my clients down the different imagined outcomes, and to experiment with sitting with all the alternate realities the relationship can take. When working with couples, my intention is to create a space where both partners can get clarity, explore their feelings, and learn to articulate their needs. When ambivalence is present, we address and decide together what it’s like to sit in the unknown. Not all couples come to resolution over differences like this. If the best I can do is give them a place to safely discuss the inequity they are feeling, that may suffice, for now.