read this if you have to explain why you look the way you do

My reaction to questions about my appearance can spark impatience or compassion, but rarely neutrality. I understand that most people approach me with genuine, non-judgmental curiosity about my alopecia, my tattoos, or whatever else seems "othering" about me at any given moment. However, I sometimes get irritated by the timing, tone, or palpable assumptions folks bring to their inquiries.

In my case, I actually want you to know about me. I think context is important in relationships- and my alopecia does add to my character and identity. I invite a conversation, and when I’m feeling safe with folks, I’m down for some vulnerability reciprocation.

Here’s my advice: read the room. Tune into the vibe, the surroundings, and your motivation for asking. Why? Because a professional work event or a crowded room might not be a safe or appropriate space for the answer to be disclosed. Timing can make or break a connection. People get it wrong all the time—even me, oof. I can think of several times when I’ve commented on the obvious with terrible timing. Humility is a great quality to cultivate. Own the fact that your mouth may ask or comment before your brain considers whether now is a good time. I’ve messed up with race, gender, disability, age, and have had many other timing malfunctions. So when people approach me about my hair loss, I stay humble and trust that genuine curiosity is usually at the core of their questions.

We all look a little different. Some of us have trauma associated with our differences, some define ourselves by them, and some of us find our particular "difference" completely "normal."

Welcome to being human. “Why is your ______ like that?” lands very differently than, “I’ve been curious about something and was wondering if you’re open to sharing about ______.” Or, if you’re questioning your motivation, maybe just wait. Stay curious and hold off until you’re able to inquire with better timing. In fact, consider embracing eternal curiosity. We don’t need to know the story behind everyone’s bodies.